I don’t know from where to begin.
You won’t understand till I tell you. But it is difficult to put it into words.
Years have passed. Everything seems alright outside. But it is not on the inside. I know. Nobody understands what is going on. Nobody will ever understand.
It’s empty. Everywhere I see, it’s dark. No light. It’s like I am walking inside a tunnel for a long time. I don’t know where it would lead me to. I don’t know how much time it would take to reach the end. I walk aimlessly.
This is not where I belong to. Why do you want to trap me in a world I can’t live in?
Don’t you wish good for me?
Don’t you love me?
Don’t you wish good for yourself?
Don’t you love yourself?
The way you reacted to everything was not right. I know. You hurt them. You know. I know that you can’t help it. It’s not in your hands. You lose your ability to think and act.
You reacted with repulsion. You wanted to be alone. Alone. For some time at least. To get back to your senses.
I understand you completely. But you also need to realise that this won’t help us. This neither helped then nor will this help now. You need to understand that even if you can’t find a reason for our happiness, you never have the right to make things worse for us.
The other day she asked me what was wrong with me. Was I reacting that way because of something she did? I tried to change the conversation topic and left the room.
I don’t know what to tell her. I have the answer but not the strength to speak out the truth. What breaks you into pieces on hearing, how can you speak it out?
I don’t know what to tell Him. He knows His strange behaviour worries us a lot. Sometimes He behaves like this intentionally. It gives Him pleasure.
Yes. Pleasure in Pain. It feels like there is nothing else. So embrace whatever is in store for you. This is how He justifies Himself.
I understand Him. But discussing things makes me all the more weak sometimes. Maybe that’s why I am not able to understand things clearly sometimes.
I told Him the truth. He regretted. But it wasn’t His fault. It was mine. I wasn’t doing it intentionally this time. This time, it was genuine and because of an unknown reason.
Now? I’m ignoring Him for unexplained reasons. I do wish to talk. But I can’t forget what happened. It weakens me when I have to accept the truth.
My leaving you in that state of mind wasn’t right. But my point is also valid. Do you expect me to praise you for quitting? Quitting is for losers. I have decided not to quit. I will live and not just survive!
Die! Yes, you should die. You aren’t good for me. You are a devil. Die and let me live in peace.
The conversation of last night with them was a good one. For the first time, I poured out my actual wishes in front of them.
I want to do some things. I have no reason why I want to do them. It’s my wish to do them. I don’t know whether they’ll help me in future or not. Yet, I wish to do them.
They didn’t question me. I just spoke carefree. We never talked like that before.
I wish to study further.
I like to read.
I like to write.
I want to explore the unexplored within me.
I like to help people.
I like managing things in a certain way.
I like to be organized.
I want to inculcate my habits into others.
Something says, “Saanjh, you should do this!”
This? No! But why? Give it a try at least!
I have been shedding tears since morning. Tears of happiness. Tears of freedom from everything. An end to all my suffering has come.
All that has happened in the past 4 years has fallen into place. It’s all good now. Perfect! I feel liberated from every iron that held me behind.
I was right! It would give us everything we have ever wanted. It will let me stay close to everything I have ever loved. It will let me stay in my world. It won’t let me lose my original self.
After so many years, I can see light. I feel so light now.
You know what? I was so curious to share all this with someone, I shared it with a stranger, knowing that she won’t judge me.
And when I shared this news with her, she said, “This is the best thing I have heard in days.”
It is the best thing I have said in years.
The world is welcoming a new year outside. Here, I make you sit with me to listen to me.
Something asks me stop her. I don’t know what it is. I don’t see it, I don’t hear it, I don’t understand it but I can feel it.
What should be absent is present. What should be present is absent.
Whenever I feel that a door is opening, you find an obstacle to stop me.
Why her? We are a part of her. Don’t you know this? By torturing yourself, you put us in trouble. Why don’t you understand this? Stop thinking! For the Almighty’s sake, please! If you can’t make things better, don’t worsen them at least.
Leave us alone! She doesn’t need you. I don’t want you. You have given us nothing but tears. You have made us miserable.
Why do you always have to do this to us? What is our fault?
We never let a scratch hurt you. Then why are you giving us these permanent scars?
I can’t take it anymore. He will never let us live happily. It has been years. He doesn’t let me move forward. I am still stuck there where I was then. Every step forward is a step backward. He makes it like this. He has caught us in His trap. You have tried in vain and I am helpless. We can’t do anything.
I am tired of trying to keep all the pieces together because they don’t adjust with each other now. Some broke down and are missing, and others have grown excessively. I am exhausted. I can’t take it anymore. I am sorry.
Saanjh is Hindi for Dusk.
This is a fictional work.
Photo by my friend Akshay Nayak